


Sanity Check

by AndyAO3



Series: Shepard of the Galaxy [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Character Death, Minor Spoilers, and Silliness, and now some not-quite-smut in the fifth chapter, but mostly just fluff, gets dark in the seventh chapter, paragon custom Shepard, with some not-quite-smut in the third chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-03-11
Packaged: 2018-03-10 18:20:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3299390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndyAO3/pseuds/AndyAO3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard is a dork. Kaidan doesn't mind (except when he does).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. when the sun goes down

**Author's Note:**

> HEY LOOK I'M WRITING AGAIN yeah I have trouble with the whole motivation thing. Ehhh. 
> 
> If you guys spot "An End, Once And For All" in my works, don't read it. Probably gonna take it down; can't take it seriously anymore ever since I learned about the indoctrination theory. I've got something waiting in the wings to make up for it, but it still needs some polishing before I start posting bits. Have this until then.

They started small, slow, after the fiery start that was the impromptu make-out session in the airlock and the "sanity check" date on the Presidium. They didn't want to move too fast, and there were a million little ways that they found to make up for lost time and appreciate each others' company that _weren't_ sex. Sometimes when they were standing close enough together, Shepard's hand would find Kaidan's, and their fingers would wind together. Sometimes when they were on the shuttle, they'd sit next to each other, and Shepard would lean against him. And in the mess, if they happened to come down for a meal at the same time, they'd find seats near each other, or even move it to the obs lounge and look out at the stars while they ate.

People noticed. It was impossible not to, with a crew as tight-knit as the _Normandy_ 's was, and Joker's snooping when they were in the airlock definitely hadn't helped. But it didn't really seem like they cared. If anything, they approved. The Commander - _Zach_ , Kaidan reminded himself, _think of him as Zach,_ _he's more than just your commanding officer now_ \- had been alone for as long as anyone had known him. The general consensus was that he could use someone. Not that they weren't getting teased for it, but none of it was hurtful, and neither of them minded.

But then Rannoch happened, and Zach had to be Commander Shepard for the sake of the galaxy once again. Saving an admiral over the man's crew, uniting the Quarians and the Geth but losing a friend in the process; it was more grief and more guilt on top of what he was already feeling after Earth and Palaven and Sur'kesh and Tuchanka, and Kaidan could see how it ate away at him even before they'd gotten back to the _Normandy_.

It was no surprise, then, that the first thing Shepard did after he was done with his customary meeting with Hackett was come down to the obs lounge to see Kaidan. Was a little hard not to laugh at the way the legendary Commander Shepard shuffled in and plopped down on the couch next to him, though.

"Hey there," Kaidan said, lifting up his arm to make room; Shepard all-too-readily leaned into him, slumping enough to rest his head on Kaidan's shoulder in spite of their not-inconsiderable height difference.

"Hey," Shepard answered. He looked tired. His hoodie was all askew. Kaidan shifted enough to fix it, before letting his arm fall to wrap around those broad shoulders.

What was there to say? Might as well be honest. "Y'know, I don't think anyone could've done what you just did," the Major began. "I don't even know if anyone else would've _tried_. The Geth working together with the Quarians? That's a helluva thing, Shepard."

"Legion wore a piece of my old armor," Shepard said quietly. "Used it for a field repair."

"Yeah, I wondered about that," Kaidan remarked.

"He played extranet games. Got banned once or twice because his reaction times made him look like a bot. I guess he sort of was. EDI said his humor heuristics needed work." Shepard snorted, shook his head. "Him. It. I don't know. Mordin would say I was anthropomorphizing."

"Hard not to. You were friends. As much as anyone can be friends with a Geth, anyway." Mordin. That was another name on the wall, someone Kaidan hadn't known but would've liked to based on descriptions he'd heard. Maybe he would've been able to do something about the L2 feedback; Kaidan had heard the guy had been a damn good doctor.

"It's no different from being friends with EDI, Kaidan. They're both synthetics."

"True, but EDI's a lone entity. I mean, the Geth have got their consensus. They're all connected. Do they even _have_ individuality?"

Shepard went silent for a minute. "Legion did," he said quietly. "And now the rest of the Geth do too."

Because Legion had done that upload thing, right. Kaidan was still having a bit of a hard time wrapping his head around it, but then again, he probably shouldn't expect to understand it as well as Shepard did. The Commander had gone into the Geth consensus personally. "Then. Okay. I guess that settles it, huh?" Kaidan twisted in such a way that he would be able to kiss Shepard's temple, smiling to himself. Impossible, that's what Shepard was. Completely impossible.

"Yeah. Okay." Shepard scooted even lower in his position against Kaidan's side, his hoodie riding up slightly. "... Thanks."

"You're welcome." The way Kaidan saw it, there were three years of lost time to make up for; at least one of those years had been his own fault. "S'what I'm here for, y'know? Us old soldier biotics, I mean, we're the only ones who've got each other's backs."

Shepard managed a little smirk. "You're older than me, Kaidan."

"And I outrank you, therefore I have the authority to tell you to shut the hell up about that." Kaidan poked the Commander in the side with his free hand, grinning. "It's only by a couple years."

"Can't outrank a Spectre."

"We're both Spectres, Shepard."

"You're still only the _Normandy_ 's XO, Alenko."

"Shepard, the only thing you have that I don't is the N7 rating, and that's more like a medal than a rank. And since when has the _Normandy_ ever really followed any sort of normal command structure?"

"Hey, I hauled ass to get that."

"Doesn't change that I outrank you, Commander."

"Then why is it you still follow my orders, Major?"

"Because you give good orders. Crazy sometimes, but good. Usually."

"Really. Then what would an example of _bad_ orders sound like?"

Kaidan could think of a few things, but... "Ordering me to leave you behind." _Again._

Shepard smiled for real at that. "Yeah, that's not gonna happen, Kaidan."

"Well then, see? There you go." Kaidan squeezed the younger biotic a little tighter, rubbing his arm through the hoodie's sleeve. "Horizon won't happen again, Zach. It's okay." And he wasn't going to let Shepard go that easily, either. Not again, not ever. _Not without a fight._

"Good," Shepard said with a small nod. "Hopefully, neither will Mars."

The Commander eventually fell asleep like that, in the crook of Kaidan's right arm, and the older biotic didn't have the heart to wake him (even when Kaidan's arm eventually went a bit numb and tingly from lack of circulation). If anyone deserved a break, it was Shepard, and Kaidan was happy to give him a safe place to take one.

 


	2. twilight time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Migraines are the complete opposite of fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet, but it was fine on its own, so I didn't add to it.

There were perks to being the _Normandy_ 's XO. Namely, that Kaidan got to sleep in the obs lounge if he wanted, instead of the crew quarters. And that was a perk he was more than happy to take advantage of whenever he had a migraine coming on, in spite of there not being a proper bed set up in there. The couches were comfy - so were the chairs, in fact - and he could easily just lock the door, close the window, and turn off all the lights if he wanted a little bit of peace and quiet. The lock was easy to hack, sure, but no one bothered to.

No one except Shepard. And, well, when it was him, it was okay.

Kaidan wasn't asleep when Shepard came in, though, so the door wasn't locked; he had a bottle of cold water pressed to his head, his eyes closed. The lights were turned down, and the window's shutters were closed to keep the light from the stars out, but he was sitting in a chair in a darker corner of the room all the same. And Shepard, upon noticing all this, closed the door behind himself and sat down in the opposite corner, quietly as he could manage.

"Hey, Commander," Kaidan mumbled, not looking up.

"Hey," Shepard replied, like always. "L2 feedback?"

"Yup." He'd probably overdone it on the last mission; fighting those Ardat-Yakshi Reaper things hadn't exactly been a walk in the park. Banshees? Whatever, he just knew that the tunnel vision had started as early as the shuttle ride back, and by the time he'd gotten back to the crew deck and changed out of his gear, everything else had hit him like a charging Krogan.

Shepard kept his voice low, but it still felt like the sound of it was stabbing into his brain. "Take anything yet?"

Kaidan sighed. "Yes, _mom_."

"Just making sure," Shepard said, a little defensive. "Need anything?"

_If you were anyone else, I'd ask you to leave._ But it was Shepard; always careful, always understanding. And, hell, kinda soothing. "I'll be fine, Shepard."

"Okay." He heard shuffling; Shepard was getting up. Then he heard the Commander come closer, and situate himself down onto the couch not too far away. Kaidan opened one eye to peer over at the younger man and smiled faintly at what he saw; Shepard had flopped against the couch, his head tipped back over the back of it and his legs splayed out in front of him.

It made him look big and gangly and awkward, like an overgrown kid. Honestly, it was kinda cute. "Gonna stick around? M'not the best company right now, sorry."

Shepard turned his head to glance at Kaidan. "If it's okay with you."

"Yeah, it's fine. You're fine." Kaidan pulled the water bottle down from his head, both eyes open to regard Shepard curiously (if a little blearily). "Hey. Move over a little."

With a questioning headtilt followed by a shrug, Shepard complied. Then Kaidan got up from his chair (and the rush of blood to his head when he did so was _not_ pleasant), made his way to the couch, and eased himself down next to the Commander, leaning heavily against the man's side and resting his head against Shepard's shoulder as he did. Once he was settled, he was back to holding the cold bottle against his head, breathing slowly and steadily to keep the nausea at bay.

"... thanks, Zach," he said, once he'd calmed a little. His head still felt like it might split open, but Shepard being there made it slightly less godawful.

Shepard kissed his head, ever so gently and carefully. "Anytime."

 


	3. tuesday afternoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one on the Normandy is a functional adult. NO ONE. Except maybe Chakwas. Sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was supposed to be smut but then it turned into funny and fluff and I don't even. whatever. have it before I change my mind on it.

Shepard was good at a lot of things. Getting people to work together and get along. Getting people to like him. Making friends, in spite of his awkwardness. Understanding peoples' problems. Using his biotics in combat. Making Kaidan worry.

However, there were also things he was bad at - small, practical things, or simple things - that made him seem so much more human and approachable than the legendary figure he was presented as. He couldn't dance. Couldn't remember to feed his fish. Would frequently forget that people weren't telepathic and therefore occasionally would like _responses_ to the messages they sent him.

And while this could often be something that made him that much more endearing, it could also be detrimental in its own small ways. Nothing deal-breaking, but enough to make Kaidan wonder sometimes just how Shepard had managed on his own.

One night - after a rough week that had involved a nest of Rachni and a young, stubborn Krogan that Shepard knew - they had been doing their routine little cooldown in the observation lounge, when things had gotten a little... _heated_. What started as a simple kiss quickly turned into layers being yanked off and the two of them falling onto the couch in a mess of partly-removed clothes and tangled limbs.

It was about the point that they were grinding together like a couple of teenagers, both their biotics sparking (Shepard made some ridiculously hot sounds whenever Kaidan dragged his biotics over the edges of all those skin grafts), that Kaidan managed to work up the presence of mind to pull back. "Maybe we should take this up to your quarters," he mumbled.

Shepard pouted at him. He was flushed, a little breathless, and had a new bruise on his neck right where that one little mole was. "Then we'd need to get dressed again."

"Eh, that's debatable." They were the CO and the XO, and the world was ending. Kaidan seriously doubted they'd get much more than some funny looks. "But in your quarters, there's a _bed_. And supplies."

He didn't think Shepard could get much more red, but somehow the Commander managed. "Uh."

Wait. "You _did_ stock up when we were on the Citadel, right?"

The way Shepard quickly looked away was all the answer Kaidan needed. "...uh." No. Of course he hadn't. Shepard didn't think about that. He'd probably gotten distracted and bought another model ship, or a game for his omni-tool. Or another pretty fish that he'd forget to take care of.

Kaidan sighed. No, he wasn't _mad_ or anything. It was kind of adorable in a way. But still just a little annoying. He propped himself up and shifted just enough to kiss the Commander's scarred cheek. "Commander Shepard. Savior of the galaxy, survived the Omega 4 relay, stopped the Collectors, killed at least three reapers, yet he still needs to work on the _responsible adult_ thing."

Shepard smiled a little, winding his arms around Kaidan's neck and shoulders. "Sovereign wasn't me, it was the fleet. The one on Tuchanka was taken out by a thresher maw. And on Rannoch all I did was tell them where to shoot."

"Yeah, no. Stop tryin'a give other people the credit, Zach. You deserve it."

"Only if you take some, yourself."

" _Hell_ no. I'm just moral support. But y'know, I've noticed you're not denying the rest of my statement."

"The rest of it's just facts, so long as you apply it to the rest of my crew back then, too." Shepard smirked; his fingers trailed over the scars from Kaidan's implants, and caused the older biotic to shiver. "Including not being responsible adults."

"Now hold on, you had..." Kaidan trailed off, drawing a blank. "... uh. Chakwas. She's a responsible adult."

Shepard gave him a wry look.

"...right. Point taken." One adult in a crew full of crazy does not make the crew somehow more well-adjusted. "Well, d'you wanna keep going anyways? Not all the way, but--"

Kaidan got his answer in the form of Shepard yanking him down to crush their lips together; grinning to himself, he made a mental note to go shopping the next time they hit the Citadel. Because one of them had to at least _act_ like a responsible adult if they were ever going to go beyond inappropriate use of biotics while frotting on a couch.

 


	4. evening, time to get away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, Shepard's actual official reports don't look nearly as bad as his texts do.

The next time the _Normandy_ docked at the Citadel, Kaidan was one of the first out the airlock. It wasn't much of a stop - a day or two to refuel and restock, and for Shepard to do his usual errand run of gaining support for the cause and solving all the galaxy's problems while _definitely not_ getting distracted by any new model ships - but that was more than enough time for a little R &R.

Hey, if Vega was allowed to get drunk and gamble away everything he owned playing poker with a bunch of refugees down in one of the docking bays, Kaidan was allowed to get a hotel room and spend a night sleeping in a real bed. Not fancy, though; military accomodations had gotten him _way_ too used to sleeping on mattresses that may or may not have been filled with gravel, and even Shepard's bed up in his private cabin was no exception to that.

Yes, he'd been sleeping in Shepard's bed the past couple of weeks. No, they hadn't done much. Most of the time they were too exhausted. Lately they'd been lucky if they got a chance to shower before it was off to another colony that needed evacuating, or off to take another Cerberus base down. There were drawbacks to the _Normandy_ being one of the stealthiest ships around; it meant that she was the only ship capable of getting behind enemy lines.

Which, in turn, meant that the _Normandy_ was the ship that was called upon to retrieve everything that people in a hurry had left behind when they'd evacuated from wherever-the-hell they'd been. So while Kaidan was shopping for supplies, arranging to get himself a hotel room in the upper Wards, and _definitely not_ getting things like lube using his Spectre allowance, one of the things Shepard was busy doing was making sure people got the message that the _Normandy_ had become the galaxy's Lost-And-Found box.

One of the things. Kaidan was trying not to think about the others.

He was taking a quick break for lunch on the Presidium (parts of which were still a little FUBAR from the Cerberus attack, the keepers needed to get on that) when he heard a little _ping_ signalling a new message on his omni-tool.

- _hey_ -  
the message read; it was from Shepard. Kaidan scarfed down the last of his sandwich and washed it down with a swig of watery alien lager, then dusted off his hands to start typing out a reply.

- _Hey there. Everything going OK?-  
_ he tapped out on the haptic interface.

- _ereba. remember her from illium. krogan with bad poetry-_  
Kaidan frowned.

- _Ah. Dogtags, I'm guessing?-_

_-no. message. more bad peotry-_

_-From where?-_

_-grunts squad-_

_-So that'd be against the Rachni? Hell of a way to go.-_

_-dosent matter how. dead is dead-_  
True enough, but even through the horrible typing, it was easy to see that Shepard was more upset over this one than usual. The Commander always went to deliver that kind of thing himself; he'd done it as long as Kaidan had known him, whenever it became necessary to do so. Lately it had been happening more and more due to the war, but that didn't seem to change Shepard's ways any. The man still picked up dogtags. Still delivered them. Said it was part of the job description.

He'd done it since Akuze, he'd told Kaidan once.

- _I'm on the Presidium if you wanna talk. Same cafe as before.-_

 _-nah got more to do. meet @ hotel later tho-  
_ Right then. Plans hadn't changed. At least Shepard wasn't in such bad shape that he was cancelling.

How to get the Commander's mind off of death and dogtags, though?

- _You know, I hope your reports to Hackett don't look like your private messages.-_

_-lol no omnitool keybpard just sucks n 1h typing is hard w big hands-_

_-Get a better omni-tool then.-_

_-why ive got u & taliu for hackin-_

_-I'm not your babysitter, Shepard. Neither is Tali.-_

_-this 1 has my games tho. im not reinstallign. it took a yr to get them set up like they are-_

_-Savior of the Citadel, using an ancient, cheap omni-tool because it has all of his carefully modded and painstakingly bootlegged games on it.-_

_-i know where u sleep alenko-_

_-And if you don't get a new omni-tool or at least put some effort into your messages, I'm getting Joker to read them out loud over the intercom.-  
_ _-Typos and all.-_   
_-In whatever dumb voice he sees fit to use.-_

_-u r an evil man sepctre alenko-_   
_-*spectre-_

_-Too late, the damage is done. Screenshotting this convo now-_

_-nooooooo-_

_-Oh?-_

_-fine ill get a newo mnitool-_   
_-*omnitool-_

_-*Omni-tool.-_

_-semantics-_   
_-dont u dare send this to joke r im doing what u wanted u evil blackmailing person u-_   
_-*djoker-_   
_-**joker-_

_-Do I need to get Tali to help you with your shopping?-_

_-nO DONT GET EHR-_   
_-***HER-_   
_-I GOT THIS-_

Kaidan laughed, powering down his omni-tool so he could tuck his hands behind his head as he leaned back in his chair. It really was turning out to be not such a bad day for him. Galactic civilization coming to an end kinda had a way of making it so that good days were in short supply. He could use more of them.

Both of them could.

 


	5. nights in white satin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tthhhhhpppthbt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally a little longer and had MORE SMUT but I am a wimpy baby so I cut it off. Also it just felt more natural to end it where I did.

"--There we were, upside-down and held in by nothing but safety harnesses, and Garrus sits up, folds his arms, and says- what did he say again?"

Kaidan was almost in tears from laughter when he responded. "Hah, he says, calm as you please," and here, he folded his arms and sat up perfectly straight to imitate the Turian's position at the time, " 'I stand corrected. It's not you that's incompetent, it's your damn vehicle'!"

"He did ask to drive, though. It's his own fault," Shepard grinned as the Major descended into another fit of snickering. "Hey, he wasn't wrong though. The Mako was terrible."

"Pff. Well _yeah_ , I mean. _No one_ came out of a Mako ride without bruises, y'know? But still. That doesn't automatically excuse you and make you a good driver. It just means Garrus was that much worse."

"I drove the Hammerhead just fine."

"Yeah, there's no evidence of that besides your word. Tali didn't report much of an improvement."

"That's because Tali had two years to forget the beating the Mako had given her in comparison. Me driving the Hammerhead never made anyone sick, I'll say that."

"Hey now, we are _not_ bringing that up." Kaidan elbowed Shepard in the side roughly, and the Commander just chuckled. They were in the hotel room down in the Wards, reminiscing over too-salty noodles and weak beer. The Citadel traffic that was sped by just outside their window made for a surprisingly calming auditory backdrop, considering how both of them were used to the background noise of a ship's engines.

A night away from the _Normandy_. A night to themselves. They needed this.

One of Shepard's hands found Kaidan's, their fingers winding together. Kaidan lifted his hand so that he could kiss the back of Shepard's own. Shepard was a mess of skin grafts, muscle weaves, and bone plating; it was amazing just how much work had needed to be done to put the man back together.

Feeling the irregularities and the scars reminded Kaidan of just how mortal the Commander really was, and how lucky they both were. It was humbling, daunting, even terrifying. But also kind of inspiring to know that through all of that, Shepard hadn't changed. He was still the same man who brought dogtags he found on remote worlds to the grieving widows back home, and wrote letters to the ones he couldn't reach. The same man whose crew he treated like an adopted family, and who _never_ gave up on a friend, even when they had given up on him.

"Alright, something's going through your head, I can tell," said Shepard, bringing Kaidan out of his own thoughts.

"Hm? Oh, uh, yeah." Kaidan shrugged. "I guess."

Shepard smiled. "Care to share with the rest of the class?"

"Nah, nothin' worth really worrying about." At the incredulous look he got in response, Kaidan added, "-- _really_ , Zach. It's fine."

"Uh-huh." Shepard paused. Frowned a little to himself. His voice was softer when he spoke up again. "Look, if you're uncomfortable--"

"I'm _not_ ," Kaidan said firmly, cutting off the thought before it could be finished. To emphasize how _not_ uncomfortable he was, he pushed himself up from his spot to scoot over and settle himself on the Commander's lap, his legs on either side of Shepard's waist and his weight resting on the man's legs. "I'm not. Not with you. Okay?"

Shepard's hands wandered, long fingers trailing up Kaidan's thighs. Finding his hips, thumbs tracing over firm muscle through his clothes. There was still a frown on the younger man's face, tugging at his scars, putting creases and lines in his features that made him look years older. "Sorry. Still kinda hard to believe sometimes," he mumbled.

And Kaidan, for all that he ached to ask _why_ , knew not to; being questioned wasn't what Shepard needed. So instead, he took Shepard's face into his hands and kissed him. Tried to communicate everything he felt without words, because words could be misunderstood.

_I love you. I want this. I'm sorry I ever did anything to hurt you, or make you doubt that._

Because he had.

Kaidan had attacked Shepard for the very things he was feeling insecure about.

Horizon. Vancouver. Mars. It had taken a brush with death for Kaidan to see it, and by then the damage was already done. Had been for over a year. Shepard had never changed. He was the same man that Mindoir, Akuze, and Eden Prime had made him. Except Kaidan had doubted that, and then refused to admit that he might be wrong afterward, until it spiralled into something bitter and angry and hurtful.

Shepard, always one to internalize things, had taken those hurtful words to heart. He trusted Kaidan, so therefore the words came from a trusted source. They piled on top of the existing worry, the insecurity that he'd become more machine than man. That he wasn't real, wasn't himself anymore. Things Kaidan had since learned were so, _so_ untrue.

He tried to pour all of that into the kiss. As much of it as he could. Shepard may or may not have understood; he didn't know. He just knew that his Commander only briefly hesitated before responding in kind, bringing his hand up to wind his long, strong fingers in Kaidan's hair. Not pulling, not painful, just _there_.

Shepard was strong. He could hurt Kaidan easily if he wanted. He never would - not beyond the occasional bruise - but the fact that he _could_ sent a chill up Kaidan's spine.

They eventually parted for air, both of them breathing a little raggedly; Shepard ran his fingers through Kaidan's hair, pulled him forward so their foreheads were resting against one another's. Kaidan's hands had fallen to smooth over the younger man's jaw, neck, shoulders.

Kaidan ran his tongue over his lips, smirked a little. "I am. _More than_ okay with this." As if it weren't obvious. But it needed to be said - Shepard needed to hear it.

The Commander's fingertips tickled as they trailed through Kaidan's hair, down the back of his neck. The look in his eyes as he regarded Kaidan was thoughtful, gentle, _kind_. Then both his hands moved, shifting his grip on the Major as if to move him, one on his waist and one holding his upper back. After that, a pause, and another questioning glance.

"Then, may I?" Shepard asked. Kaidan nodded, trusting him. Barely a moment later Shepard had flipped their positions, and Kaidan found himself pinned to the bed by the younger man's weight.

Then they were tugging at each others' clothes between kisses, both of their shirts and Shepard's hoodie flung aside, followed by a bit of fumbling and muffled laughter as pants and underwear came off but Kaidan's got caught on his boots before they were kicked away down toward the end of the bed.

It was good to laugh, but better when Shepard lit up his biotics and dragged them along Kaidan's bare skin, pulling a gasp out of him. Making him shiver and clutch at Shepard's shoulders. Making him writhe as Shepard stroked him without _once_ using his hands.

"Oh, _god_ , Shepard," he breathed. Shepard shut him up with a deep kiss, and he moaned shamelessly into the Commander's mouth. The biotic field Shepard had him in made every inch of his skin tingle, and the way it felt like Shepard was almost caressing his length with it, slow and teasing and too much and _not enough_ , left him helpless. It'd be over way too soon if Shepard kept that up.

Fortunately, the younger biotic seemed to realize that - about the time Kaidan was gripping his arm nearly hard enough to bruise - and let the biotics dissipate with a chuckle, the blue glow abating. Kaidan made a sound that was almost a whine at the loss, and Shepard grinned a big, pleased-with-himself grin that made him look years younger.

"Good?" the commander asked.

Kaidan let out a little snort of laughter. Like Shepard even needed to ask. " _Hell_ yes." God, his voice was shot to hell.

Shepard grinned even wider, crooked and ridiculous and wonderful to see. It was a little sad that the expression was so brief, as a thought seemed to occur to the man and he drew back a bit, throwing a glance around the room. "Where's the, uh--"

"Left front pocket," Kaidan answered, gesturing in the general direction of the end of the bed. His pants had ended up somewhere around there, right? Probably. Shepard nodded and moved off of the older biotic to fetch the bottle of lubricant, leaving Kaidan feeling oddly exposed.

Which was kinda dumb. This was way more private than it'd be on the _Normandy_ , no matter whose quarters they were in. No EDI to do any snooping, for one thing. Which meant no Joker getting wind of it through her innocent questioning about human courtship and sexuality. This was about as remote and away from the crew as they could get.

In a moment Shepard was back with the bottle in hand, pausing only for an instant to peer curiously at Kaidan before he settled over the older biotic and pressed his lips to Kaidan's much more gently than he had a while ago. "Hey. Everything good?"

Ah. Right. Drifting. Kaidan needed to stop doing that. "Hah. Yeah. Everything's..."

He trailed off, getting caught in those eyes. Darkened from arousal, the irises having become a thin ring of icy blue. The skin around them crinkled when Shepard smiled, and there were barely-perceptible lines where the skin grafts over the man's sharp cheekbones began and ended. A year ago, those scars had been far more obvious. They'd made Shepard look like a completely different man, the geometric shapes of the breaks in his skin making him seem like an evil cyborg out of some old science fiction vid.

But Kaidan had mapped those lines with his fingers, traced them with his lips; Shepard's reactions hadn't been anything but human when he had. He smiled, and the little familiar crinkles formed around Shepard's eyes when the man smiled back. Kaidan brought his hand up to run his thumb along those creases. "--Everything's just, ah. Just about perfect."

"Just about?" Shepard shifted enough to kiss the Major's jaw, and down along the muscles of his neck. "Anything I can do to make it better?"

"Well, you could actually _do_ something. You're killin' me here, Zach." His hand drifted to the back of Shepard's neck, not holding or pulling, just _there_.

Shepard's eyes flicked upwards and he grinned, then his eyes and skin lit up with white-blue light; that was the only warning Kaidan got before his senses were assaulted once again by far-too-skillful application of biotics that pulled a hoarse shout from him. It was only for a few seconds, but even that much was too much (while also being not _nearly_ enough, damnit).

"Ffffuck," he breathed, head falling back against the flat hotel pillows. Shepard just chuckled as his lips brushed Kaidan's shoulder.

Shepard was impossible sometimes. But, yeah. Just about perfect.

 


	6. dawn is a feeling

On the way to the _Normandy_ through the overcrowded docks, Kaidan received a message on his omni-tool summoning him back to the ship. A generalized message, sent to everyone in the crew just to make sure that they got their asses back to the _Normandy_ , but sent late enough in the day-cycle - around oh-nine-hundred hours - that he could tell Shepard had probably delayed it on purpose to give everyone a break.

Letting them sleep in. Probably a good idea. Because according to the message, the next stop was Eden Prime.

He remembered Eden Prime. How could he not? That Prothean beacon had been what set everything into motion for them. Nihlus and Jenkins had died for it, along with countless civillians and all of Ash's squad at the time. Its warning had given them the slight edge that they'd needed to save the galaxy. The vision from it was one of about a trillion things that would make Shepard jerk awake at night in a cold sweat, panicked and shaking.

Hell, it could've been what woke Shepard up the previous night. Kaidan didn't, and probably wouldn't, know. For once he'd slept through it, and even though he was more rested than he'd been in a while, he didn't appreciate that Shepard hadn't at least prodded him to say _good morning_. It wasn't like Shepard _meant_ to make it look like he was sneaking out and what they were doing was some illicit thing that they were ashamed of, and Kaidan knew that. He knew Shepard. It probably hadn't even occurred to the guy that things could be taken that way.

Kaidan kinda liked the idea of waking up all tired and achey with a few new bruises that he couldn't quite manage to hide with the collar of his shirt, but, waking up alone while he was at it? Good thing he knew Shepard as well as he did - knew Shepard wasn't capable of that kinda thing - otherwise he might feel a little used.

He didn't have time to be annoyed about that, though, because on the way to the airlock, Vega bumped into him (and when Vega bumped into people, it could be enough to knock them over, because the tattooed Lieutenant was built like a cargo freighter). Kaidan _oof_ ed and rubbed at his shoulder; Vega turned to blink at him as if just realizing he was there.

"Whoa, hey." Vega stood at something vaguely resembling attention and gave Kaidan a salute that could charitably be described as _sloppy as all hell_. "Didn't see you there, Major."

It hurt to look at, almost. "At ease, Vega," Kaidan said, and frowned a little. Hang on, something was off about the big Marine's appearance... "Are you... missing your belt, Lieutenant?"

Vega grinned a bit guiltily and rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, kinda had a run'a bad luck playin' some poker with these guys I met down in the refugee camps."

"And would that be where your pistol went, too?" Kaidan was not impressed.

The grin turned to a pout. "Hey, it wasn't loaded when I gave it to the guy."

"Wasn't that one of the Quarian arc pistols, though?" That Tali had gotten for them. That had been a gift from the Quarians after Shepard had secured peace between them and the Geth.

"I was gonna win it back," Vega insisted. But he seemed to understand that he was in trouble, probably due in part to Kaidan giving him a very bland look. "...Don't tell Shepard?"

"About the gun? Nah." Kaidan smirked, allowing himself to savor the split second of relief that crossed Vega's face. "I'll just tell Tali instead."

The lieutenant's expression sank. "Shit."

Poor bastard. Kaidan felt a little bad. "Tell you what. It'll take a while to do all the pre-flight checks, so you've probably got until about, uh, maybe eleven-hundred hours before you _really_ need to be back on board."

Vega lit up, and quickly straightened to stand at attention (or whatever the hell it was he was trying to do; seriously, did this guy never get reprimanded as a cadet? Kaidan's CO back on Arcturus would've had him skinned alive). "Permission to go get my gun back, sir?"

Kaidan laughed. "Granted, Lieutenant. Dismissed."

Sometimes it was fun being the XO. But he really, _really_ needed to have a talk with Shepard about unprofessional conduct later. And then maybe a talk about leaving without waking him.


	7. breathe deep the gathering gloom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The darkness cannot be breached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to take a little break before I got to writing this one, sorry. It required research, note-taking, having several tabs open at once for references. Then the chapter itself took two days to finish. Hrgh. 
> 
> The next chapter will be fluffier.

"Shepard, I gotta say... I'm not too crazy about this plan." Kaidan had told him.

And what had Shepard done? Opened up the cockpit of the Triton mech, leaned forward onto the controls and _grinned_ , like they weren't stranded on a wrecked freighter bobbing along on the surface of an alien ocean. Like the both of them weren't soaked to the skin from the pounding rain, Kaidan's hair falling in his eyes and Shepard's plastered flat against his head where it would normally be sticking up in every direction. Like what he was about to do _wasn't_ completely insane.

 _He's grinning because he knows it's insane,_ Kaidan thought. _Heh. Dumbass._

"With Leviathan still throwing those pulses out, we're not gonna get the shuttle running. And like hell I'm letting the _Normandy_ anywhere near this." Shepard gestured to their surroundings, at just how many broken ships were bouncing their way over the ocean alongside them, and Kaidan had to agree; the _Normandy_ didn't need to become part of that graveyard. "So either I convince Leviathan to let us go, or I pound rockets into whatever passes for its eyes until it decides we're too annoying to keep around and _has_ to let us go."

Kaidan squinted against the driving rainwater, which made it difficult for him to frown at the Commander as much as he'd like to. Reminded him vaguely of springtime on the west coast. Vega was shivering, though; it looked to Kaidan like the poor guy was half-tempted to set off an incendiary just to have a little warmth. _Maybe not the best pick for a mission on a cold, wet planet._

Then again, maybe that was on purpose. Vega had found an animated, shrieking husk head somewhere, brought it back to the _Normandy_ , and used it to torment people for the hell of it until Shepard had confiscated it. After that, it had shrieked at Shepard from inside a sealed container until he'd chucked it into the trash compactor. The big idiot almost deserved a little misery.

"Okay, seals check out," said Cortez, going over his omni-tool scans of the mech. He looked only slightly less miserable than Vega, but he was being way more professional about it, at least. "Oxygen pressure's nominal, systems are a go. It's as ready as I can make it."

Shepard gave Kaidan a little shrug. "Guess that's my cue. Keep things safe for me while I'm gone, yeah?"

Kaidan caught his upper lip between his teeth. _He's talking like that because he doesn't want me to worry. Which means he's worried._ But there was reason to worry. Because all indications were that Leviathan was a Reaper itself, as well as a Reaper-killer. Shepard was facing a Reaper alone.

"Wait," Kaidan said, and Shepard blinked, stopping himself midway to reaching for the controls.

 _There isn't time for much. We don't know how much of a gap we'll get between attacks from the actual Reapers. Last chance, Alenko_.

Letting out a quick, steadying breath, Kaidan climbed up the front of the mech until he could reach into the cockpit, and braced himself with his legs so that his hands were free to drag Shepard down into a hard, desperate kind of kiss. It was wet from the rain, even if the mech shielded them from the worst of it, and far too brief for Kaidan's liking. It'd have to do.

 _I love you, so you better come back to me, you reckless bastard._ "Be careful down there," he said in a breathless murmur, tightening his grip against the back of Shepard's neck. Shepard nodded, offering a tiny smile that was much more real than the grin before because it was the kind of smile that showed he was secretly fucking _terrified_ , and only then did Kaidan let go and climb down from the mech.

Shepard closed it up - the seals let out a hiss as they clamped shut - and the mech stomped off towards the water. Then its thrusters fired, and it shot forward off the edge of the creaking, dead ship they were stranded on, before disappearing under the water's surface.

It was okay. Kaidan was fine. He shouldn't worry too much, because Shepard still had his comm; if anything went wrong, he could contact them. Whatever Steve couldn't fix remotely, Shepard could come back up and get repaired with a quick burst of those thrusters. Everything would be fine.

He kept telling himself that as another wave of Reaper forces landed. Kept it as his silent mantra as husks tried to overwhelm the grounded shuttle.

Then Shepard's comm fizzled and went dead, and Kaidan wasn't quite so okay anymore.

\---

An hour later and they were running out of thermal clips, but the Reaper forces weren't stopping. And Shepard wasn't back yet.

Vega had used all of his grenades on a Harvester, flinging them into its maw until it exploded from the inside. Then he'd had his Eviscerator shotgun grabbed by a Brute, wrenched from his hands and tossed into the ocean. From there he had used his N7-issue assault rifle until even thermal clips couldn't save it from overheating, and he was reduced to his omni-blade.

Kaidan had handed his own assault rifle to Cortez already. All he had was his Carnifex pistol.

( _"Keep things safe for me while I'm gone, yeah?"_ )

He handed a startled Vega his pistol, and charged up his biotics, ignoring the tingling on his skin and the twinge at the base of his skull. He'd used them too much already, earlier, with Shepard there. _It was probably what gave us the gap we needed to get that mech running._ The feedback was already pretty bad.

But there were reasons he put up with it.

Stepping out from behind cover, he took stock of the enemy forces ahead of them with a glance. Vega had a handful of husks distracted, but there was a Brute bearing down on the shuttle; when the entire ship beneath them shuddered with the sound of scraping metal, followed by an ear-splitting shriek, he knew that even more forces had to be inbound, and among them was at least one Banshee.

 _Concentrate._ He focused his energy, the biotic field rippling around him. Strengthened his barriers. A shot from a Marauder grazed him and he didn't even flinch. Couldn't allow himself to. Vega saw what Kaidan was doing and ran back in the direction of the shuttle, firing the borrowed pistol and slashing at husks with his omni-blade as he went. _Smart._ He didn't need to get caught in the middle.

Kaidan zeroed in on the Brute nearest to the shuttle, caught it in a biotic field and hefted it up off the ground with a thought. Tossed it at the nearest clump of Reaper forces like an oversized bowling ball. The husks weren't important; he was aiming for the Marauders, the Ravagers. One Ravager was hit so hard that it exploded in a shower of acid, and even the rain wasn't able to save the Reaper forces around it from that kind of friendly fire.

One wave down, countless more to go. And now, time for the Banshee.

 _You better get your ass back up here soon, Zach_.

\---

The twinge of his implants had progressed to a stabbing, splitting pain by the time anything about their situation changed, and the skin around his amp burned and itched; Kaidan himself had long since lost track of time. He was wearing himself thin, he was a little dizzy, he needed to sit down, but he _couldn't_ , not now, not yet.

He felt a trickle of something warm come from his nose and wiped it away absently with the back of his hand. Not the first time. He could still focus, so he was all right. Somewhat. He just needed to hold on. Keep his barriers up. Keep the Reaper forces away from the shuttle.

A sound from the waterline drew his attention over the cacaphony of the storm and the Reaper ground troops. He turned his head, and _there was the mech._ Relief washed over him. Shepard was alive and he was _back_ and Kaidan hadn't realized just how afraid he'd been that Shepard might be lost to him until he had the man back.

The cockpit opened up, but something was wrong. Very wrong. In the second it took for Kaidan to process just how wrong it was and how little the Commander was moving, Shepard tumbled out of the mech and onto the ground, only barely catching himself to keep from cracking his head against the hull of the ship they stood on. Holding himself up on his elbows but only just, his arms shaking.

Shepard wasn't moving, and Kaidan's distraction had allowed the Reaper forces to get in close. Very, very close. Brutes. Husks.

 _Get up. Why aren't you getting up? Get moving and get your barriers up, Zach, don't scare me like this_.

Shepard got up. One of the lumbering Brutes noticed him and turned its malformed head. He took a few fumbling steps. Made it a few feet further. Then the mech tipped over, and its weight hitting the deck rocked the ship. Shepard's feet slipped out from under him.

Panic and pain gave way to instincts and training.

Kaidan broke into a run. He'd fight the Brute off if he had to; he'd fight off every goddamn Reaper in the galaxy. He kneeled down at Shepard's side. Pulled one of the man's limp arms around his shoulders, held it there with his right hand, while his left arm went around Shepard's waist to hold him up. Shepard didn't protest. Didn't struggle. It was then that Kaidan noticed the blood trickling from his nose and ears. He didn't even know whether Shepard was still conscious.

 _What the hell happened to you down there?_ "Shepard's back!" Kaidan shouted into his comm, over the downpour and the Reapers and the ringing in his own ears. He glanced over at the Reaper forces, and-- was that Brute being attacked by _another Brute?_ "Cortez, talk to me!"

"Good to go. I dunno what the Commander did, but the pulse is offline," Cortez replied. Seconds later the shuttle had landed a few meters away. The door opened, and Vega was there with the borrowed pistol, grinning as he provided cover fire. Kaidan dragged Shepard inside, and Cortez didn't even give the door time to close before he was taking off again.

Kaidan set Shepard down from the floor, finally letting his own barriers down as be brought out his omni-tool to do a scan.

 _No trauma, pulse is 65, blood oxygen is 89, temp is 28 celsius-- God._ "He's freezing." Kaidan reached up to pull one of Shepard's eyes open and check for pupil dilation. "Cortez, do we have any thermal blankets?"

"Not on the shuttle, no. But the _Normandy_ would."

"Tell Chakwas to be ready for us when we get there. Shepard's hypothermic and unconscious--"

Shepard's eyes shot open and he gasped for air like he'd been drowning. He coughed, sputtered. Tried to heave himself back up, but even sitting upright had him clutching his head and swaying; Kaidan was caught between relief and worry, reaching out to help steady him. Shepard caught the offered arm instead and used that to haul himself upright.

Not for long, though, since the next thing he did was slump into one of the nearby seats, leaning back heavily against the wall and breathing hard. Kaidan gave him a glare, but he waved it off. "M'okay," he wheezed.

Kaidan sighed, sagging as exhaustion and his headache really hit him, settling into a sorta-cross-legged position on the floor. "Never do that again."

Shepard grinned tiredly and shrugged, and Kaidan shook his head as he resisted the urge to punch the impossible bastard.

 


	8. another day's useless energies spent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doubts, fears, and reassurances.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ran long, but my beta says that's okay. BETA-ED BY morphia-writes@tumblr / morphia@AO3, so send some hugs her way.

Shepard insisted he was fine all the way to the _Normandy_ 's med bay, at which point he had thermal blankets piled on him because his temperature had yet to creep over thirty celsius. Somewhere in between Chakwas telling Shepard he wasn't allowed to leave to update Hackett until his body temperature was back above at _least_ thirty-three and Liara shoving a mug of tea at him, Kaidan stole a bottle of aspirin and retreated back to the obs lounge.

Then he locked the door, closed the shutters, turned off the lights and curled up in his favorite chair in hopes that this migraine would be a relatively minor one.

Probably not, though; taking his amp out sent sharp pain stabbing from the back of his head to right between his eyes, and between that and the fact that he'd burnt his fingers a little in the process on the overheated amp, he knew this one was going to be bad.

He was very much aware that he needed to write a report on the mission, and on the myriad ways it had gone sour. He didn't want to. Needed to while it was still fresh in his mind, but didn't want to. There had been a few things he'd done that had been against regulations, along with a few more that were against the recommendations of his doctors, and neither would look particularly good on his records.

He'd also nearly lost Shepard, and that hurt to think about (more than thinking in general did right then). It had been a quiet little thought lurking at the back of his mind at the time, where he could push it back if it started to get in the way, but now there was no need to push it back because they weren't in danger anymore. His emotions had been boiling away ever since; a dark, churning mess of anger and concern and guilt and relief, mixed in with a dash of quiet deep-seated fear that was both old and fairly new at the same time.

From the time that they'd first stopped Saren, to when they'd lost the first _Normandy_. That nagging little bit of terror in his gut, that _oh God he's gone and he's not coming back_ that had made him first realize what he'd lost his chance for. He loved Shepard - he could admit that to himself pretty easily by that point - and then, just when he'd learned what he'd been missing for three years and how much those three years had hurt for the both of them, Shepard had to go and scare him like this.

When the comm had gone out, he had felt that terror again.

( _"Kaidan, go. Now."_ )

In an escape pod, watching the Normandy fall to pieces from afar; on a derelict ship bobbing along on the surface of an alien ocean. The same feeling. _Oh God, he's gone_. Yeah, Shepard was okay now. Back with them, back with _him_ , but that didn't change what he'd felt before. Nor did it change what that fear brought in its wake, the thought that he was hopelessly in love with a man who was very, _very_ mortal. That Shepard was frequently put into situations and positions where Kaidan couldn't protect him, and that he could die alone in a place where Kaidan would be unable to do anything about it.

That thought, more than the thirty-seven million year old Reaper they'd just had a brush with, made Kaidan feel very small, and very insignificant. So he took his aspirin, curled in on himself a little tighter, and tried very hard to not think about it as settled in to see if he couldn't wait out his migraine.

\---

Waiting it out wasn't working. Pills weren't working. After four hours, he broke down and wrote his report, which took another hour and a half. Then another hour and he fell asleep in his chair, still in most of his armor from the mission.

When he woke up and the migraine still wasn't gone (God, it hadn't even seemed to have let up any), he found he was just a little annoyed. It was getting to the point where there were things he needed to do that _weren't_ sitting in his chair, though, and bodily needs he had to attend to.

He took a couple more aspirin, got up, peeled off his armor (he wasn't sure how much of his aches and pains aside from the migraine were from the mission, and how many were from sleeping in his armor afterward), opened the door, and immediately cringed and shied away from the light pouring into his safely darkened room from the hall. _Ow._ Yeah, fuck migraines. Everything was too bright and too loud and he kind of felt like he wanted to crawl in a quiet, dark hole and be left alone to die.

Making it to the bathroom was torture. Making it to the mess after that was a special kind of hell. Bright lights everywhere, especially in the kitchen and over the tables. At least there weren't many people around. Kaidan sort of fell into one of the chairs, folding his arms on the table's surface and smooshing his face against them as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to will away the nausea.

"You look terrible," a voice said nearby. Liara's voice. She knew him well enough to keep the volume down, and he was thankful for that. He forced himself to look up when he heard her sitting in the chair across from his; she was giving him that sad pitying look, like he was a wounded puppy, and he couldn't work up the energy to resent it.

"Feel terrible," he mumbled, pressing his face into his arms again when the bright light from the lamps above them started to get annoying. Which didn't take long.

She _hmm_ ed. He heard her shift in her chair. "Shepard was worried about you."

Kaidan snorted. And Shepard had been the one who had nearly died. "Should worry about himself," he said; the memory of that moment of absolute terror was still pretty fresh in his mind.

"As should you," Liara countered. Her way of gently scolding him. "He's in his room, under EDI's observation. Chakwas wanted to monitor his brain activity more directly in the med bay, but--"

"--but he started getting stir-crazy," Kaidan supplied. The mental image brought him a tiny smile. Shepard had never been good with being stuck in the med bay, not unless he was out cold.

Still, monitor his brain activity? Just what the hell had happened to Shepard down there?

Kaidan lifted his head to level a frown at Liara, even though he was squinting a little as he did. "Is he okay?"

Liara's brow furrowed, and she looked away a little too quickly. "...We don't know," she admitted. "The Leviathan was in contact with his mind directly, and we don't know for how long. He says it tried to control him."

 _What._ Kaidan sat up slowly, frowning more deeply. Why had no one sent him a message? Why hadn't anyone come in to tell him? He'd kind of like to be fucking _informed_ if Shepard had almost been indoctrinated by a damn Reaper!

 _Because he was worried,_ Kaidan's mind supplied unhelpfully. Shit. Shepard must've told people not to disturb him. Maybe on another day, Kaidan would've found that notion a little endearing, but right then he was in pain and he was annoyed and he felt like he was going to be sick, so he was a little less inclined to be forgiving.

"Is he allowed to have visitors?" Kaidan asked.

Liara blinked, surprised by the question. "I see no reason why he shouldn't be, but are you sure you're in any condition to be going right now, Kaidan?"

He really, _really_ wasn't. "No."

"Then I'd suggest you wait until you're feeling better. Otherwise you'll only worry him further and make things worse for yourself." She pushed her chair back and stood up with her usual unearthly Asari grace and poise. "Would a cup of tea help at all?"

"Just water, thanks." Kaidan gave back in to his urge to bury his face in his folded arms again, squeezing his eyes shut. He tried not to think about the Cerberus shock-troops he'd seen back on Mars that had been half-turned into husks, and especially tried not to think about Shepard becoming one of them.

\---

A few more hours and another nap later, and Kaidan's migraine was mostly gone. In the time it took for him to get himself cleaned up and change into a clean set of clothes, he managed to recover even further. Enough to take the elevator up to see Shepard, at least.

On the way up, he went over the confirmed symptoms of indoctrination in his head. Buzzing, ringing, headaches. Voices. Paranoia. Hallucinations. Decay of higher mental functions. A nice and clinical list of things to look for. The thought of actually finding any of them made Kaidan's chest ache. He wasn't sure why, but for some reason he'd thought that Shepard just wouldn't get indoctrinated. Couldn't be.

Now that certainty that Shepard was untouchable had left him, and he had only a feeling of gnawing fear and worry to take its place. As he stood in the corridor outside Shepard's quarters, he once again felt very, very small in the face of how little he could do about it if it were true.

He sighed, gathered his thoughts, opened the door, and went in.

The room was fine. In the same condition it was usually in. Shepard's discarded armor had only mostly made it into the open wardrobe, like usual. A Claymore shotgun was half-dismantled on his desk, probably in the process of being modded. The remnants of a couple of MREs were on the table by his couch.

Shepard himself was splayed out on the bed and poking at his omni-tool in a shirt, his beloved hoodie, and a pair of flannel pants that weren't quite long enough for his legs; the minute Kaidan came in the door, he bolted upright.

"Kaidan, hey," he said, not even bothering to hide his grin. And Kaidan knew that this was going to be hard, because Shepard looked so happy and relieved to see him, and he was going to ruin all that just for the sake of alleviating a few doubts.

He smiled, but Shepard must have seen through it because his expression was already creasing into a distinctly concerned frown. "Hey."

"...Shit. Uh." Shepard dismissed his omni-tool, got up off the bed, and closed the distance in a few long strides. "You okay? How's your head?"

"I'm fine, Zach." Kaidan relaxed a little, though. Shepard's concern was normal. Normal was good. "To be honest, I'm a little bit more worried about you."

Shepard just frowned harder. "You're sure? James told me what happened, and uh. Damn. I'm not sure whether I'm impressed, worried, proud, maybe a little bit turned on? Even I can't use my biotics for that long without burning out my amp..."

It was babbling, the kind Shepard did sometimes when the filter in between his brain and his mouth had shut down out of nervousness. And it was so very Shepard, so very _Zach_ that just hearing it made Kaidan feel a little better.

"--and I guess maybe the only reason you could do it was because of your L2s, maybe the feedback actually took a little bit of a load off the amp itself. But, yeah. You didn't have to come up here if you're not feeling up to it yet. I'm not going anywhere until Chakwas and EDI clear me for duty."

"Liara told me what happened," Kaidan said. Shepard shut right up, blinking at him. "I had to come see you, for myself."

Shepard blinked for a bit longer, a look of confusion crossing his features followed by one of startled realization. "...Oh. _Oh._ You didn't know whether I was still being controlled or not."

"Yeah." It made it a little bit better that Shepard didn't sound too hurt. "I mean, hell. A direct mental link with a Reaper? I think I'm well within my rights to be a little worried, here."

Silence followed. Then Shepard let out a guffaw. " _Hah!_ "

"What? This isn't funny, Zach."

"Pff. I know. But you didn't read my report."

"I didn't read your--" Kaidan gave Shepard a funny look. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Leviathan isn't a Reaper. It doesn't indoctrinate." Shepard came forward to put his hands on Kaidan's shoulders, rubbing at them reassuringly. "It let Ann Bryson go, it let those miners go, and it let me go."

Liara hadn't told him that. "But how can you know that for sure? Really. Didn't Doctor Bryson say that thing was thirty seven _million_ years old? It could have so many tricks that we can't begin to know anything about--"

"I know what indoctrination feels like, and that wasn't it."

Kaidan froze. "...How?" How could he know? How could he _not_ tell Kaidan about this sooner?

Shepard softened up a little. "Project Rho, remember?"

Aratoht. An asteroid dropped on a mass relay killing over three hundred thousand people, all to keep the Reapers from coming to their galaxy. The thing that had gotten Shepard confined to quarters and put under surveillance.

"I remember the official report. You did what you had to." Wait-- oh, God. Had that been Reaper influence?

"A lot of things didn't make it into the official report. The whole thing went to shit to begin with because there was an unshielded Reaper artifact on the base," Shepard explained. "It indoctrinated _everyone_. I fought it. So I know what it feels like to try. Leviathan didn't want me indoctrinated."

Kaidan's eyes narrowed. "Then what _did_ it want?"

"Slaves. Fully functioning slaves to use like finger-puppets to achieve its goals." Shepard's smile was gone, replaced by something much more grim. "It thought I'd make a good pet to tend to its needs while it waited out the Reapers for another cycle."

"Y'know, that's not exactly encouraging."

"I know. Fighting _that_ nearly gave me an aneurysm."

Kaidan chuckled in spite of himself - of course Shepard would talk about something like that like it was no more trouble than Citadel air traffic - and Shepard smiled back at him.

"Its... damn, I hesitate to call them people. Its predecessors are the ones that created the Reapers, all those millions of years ago. I got the impression it was tired of hiding. Not sure how, but I got it on our side for now. So."

"Do we even want something like that on our side?"

"Not really. Watch, after everything's over it'll try to enslave us and we'll have to kill it. It'll be like a bigger, more arrogant version of Javik that's actually kinda scary."

Javik the Prothean, who had acted as _quite_ the insight on his own cycle. Though half the time you couldn't tell whether he was bullshitting or not. Somehow, Kaidan doubted that a creature like the Leviathan would've been bullshitting. Either way, somewhere during the course of the conversation, Kaidan had stopped doubting. That fear was gone. It'd been a good idea to come up here after all then, huh?

He leaned forward with a heavy, tired kind of sigh, and let his head fall to rest against Shepard's shoulder. Shepard blinked down at him, but only gave it the briefest moment of consideration before he was winding his arms around Kaidan, one at his waist and the other around his shoulders. "Hey. You sure you're okay?"

Kaidan relaxed into the embrace; he felt like a weight had been lifted off of him. One he hadn't quite realized he'd been carrying. "You scare the hell outta me with those crazy stunts, Zach," he admitted. His own arms wrapped around Shepard's waist, pulling him closer, and his next words were quieter. "But I guess that's part of what I love about you."

He was ready to say it. Had been for a while. It wasn't a slip-up. He didn't know if Shepard was ready to hear it, but at the same time he didn't quite care. He hadn't said it before, no matter how many times he'd thought about it, and out there on that dead ship floating along on an ocean world, he'd regretted not having done so.

Shepard stiffened in his arms, drawing away a little as if to gawk at him. Kaidan didn't know for sure, since he wasn't quite brave enough to look the man in the eye. He braced himself for the worst.

"EDI, privacy mode, please," Shepard said, and Kaidan's heart skipped a beat.

He could have sworn that EDI sounded amused when she responded. "Of course, Shepard."

After that, there was silence. Kaidan could hear his heart pounding, and he was almost sure that Shepard could, too. Just as he'd worked up the ambition to take a glance up at the other man, though, a cool, strong hand took hold of his jaw and pulled him up for an enthusiastic and heated kiss.

"Love you too," Shepard mumbled when they parted for air, with only a couple of centimeters seperating them. Kaidan let out a laugh that almost sounded like a relieved sob.

Yeah. Okay. That was a better response than it could've been. It was stupid how worried about it Kaidan had been, though. Thinking it for so long but never saying it. Not because he doubted that Shepard shared the sentiment; there had been enough evidence, and Kaidan was pretty sure he wasn't alone in what he _felt_ , at least, it was just... well, he didn't know what Shepard thought about _saying_ that kind of thing out loud. People could get iffy about bringing words like _love_ into things.

Not so with Shepard, apparently. "How long?" he asked, sliding his hands down along the sides of Kaidan's neck and over his shoulders. Long fingers traced Kaidan's amp port at the back of his neck; a stinging pain made Kaidan hiss and wince, and those fingers quickly jerked away. "Sorry. Blisters. Didn't realize."

Kaidan chuckled, grasped the wrist of the offending hand, and pulled it forward to kiss the palm gently. "Don't be. It happens." Especially with as many minor injuries as they tended to get. Particularly Shepard. He was kinda bad about that; Kaidan wasn't sure if it was a vanguard biotic thing, or just a Shepard thing.

"Seriously though. How long? I'm curious." Shepard tilted his head slightly, seeming content to let Kaidan have his hand.

How long, indeed. Kaidan hadn't thought about it. He loosened his grip a little as he considered, and Shepard's hand shifted to cup his cheek, a calloused thumb stroking Kaidan's eyebrow. "...Dunno," he said finally. "Pretty long time. Are we talking, uh, when it _started_ , or when I _knew?_ 'Cause that changes the answer a bit."

It was barely visible, but Kaidan would swear that Shepard was blushing. "Uh. Both, if that's okay. I'll tell you if you tell me."

"Hah. Okay." Hard to pin down when he'd started having feelings about the Commander. Maybe around the point where his breath would catch a little whenever Shepard did something that counted as both brave and kinda stupid, but, nah. That was one of a thousand qualifiers that could've also just meant he was worried for a friend, or just had a crush.

So, he thought about it. _Really_ thought about it. "I thought you were attractive pretty early on. Always sorta wondered if you were into that kinda thing. Thought maybe someday I'd... I dunno, ask you to lunch, or something like that."

Kaidan smirked, and then he smirked wider when Shepard snorted.

"I think, the first time I really _thought_ about it was just after Virmire. I'd kinda figured that your non-answer on why you picked me meant that your reasons were personal. For a while, yeah, I blamed myself, but. You kinda-- I dunno. It's just that, right at that moment, I think that might've been the first time I really saw _you_ , how human you were, underneath the whole larger-than-life Commander thing you had going on."

He looked up, and saw that Shepard was staring at him openly, jaw a little slack, and there was that same humanity that Kaidan had just talked about. Shepard just looked so damn _vulnerable_ as he cleared his throat and nodded slowly to show he understood, his voice a little raw when he spoke again. "And when did you figure it out?"

"Not until after you were gone." Because that part was easy. From the way Shepard cringed, it seemed like he'd probably had a few lingering doubts confirmed by that statement.

"I'm sorry," he said, his hands slipping away like they were about to fall back to his sides. Kaidan caught them before they could, winding their fingers together.

Kaidan really wished that Shepard would stop apologizing sometimes. "Hey. No. Don't be, okay? None of that's your fault."

Shepard nodded, but it was fairly obvious - at least to Kaidan - that some of the doubts were still there. Probably always would be, to an extent. Shepard was a master of kicking himself over things that happened a long time ago. Deep down he was just Zach; a scared, clumsy kid from Mindoir who had a knack for surviving things he probably shouldn't have.

And that was okay. Kaidan loved that scared, clumsy kid from Mindoir. "Anyway," he said after a while, letting Shepard's hands slip from his grasp as he walked around him to lean against the desk in Shepard's little office-area. "What about you? Said you'd tell me."

The smile returned to the Commander's face as he turned to follow Kaidan with his gaze. His arms folded over his chest and he looked his fellow Spectre over almost appraisingly. "Well, I knew you were _hot_ when I saw you bent over that console at the aft end of the ship."

"That may have been on purpose," Kaidan admitted. What? He was trying to see if the Commander noticed. Kind of like when he none-too-subtly asked if Shepard was into Asari.

"I'd wondered about that," Shepard said, looking like he was trying not to laugh. "As to when I fell madly in love with you--"

Kaidan's brows lifted. _That's gotta be one of the most dorky things I've ever heard him say._

"--that would probably be, uh. Oh, God, I dunno. It just sort of happened." Before Kaidan could say anything, he quickly added, "--but! But, I was kind of in denial about it. I didn't really figure it out until Vancouver. Up until that point it was kind of, uh. Like, someone would come onto me, and I'd think about it for a minute, but then I'd think of you and just go, _nah_."

"That's kinda how it goes, Zach," Kaidan said. Caught somewhere between being amused and being absolutely _amazed_ at how Shepard had managed to fool the galaxy into thinking he was a fully functional adult.

Shepard huffed. Actually _huffed_. Almost two meters tall and able to shatter every bone in someone's body with his biotics, and the man was _pouting_. "You shut up. I'm an idiot, okay."

God, if that wasn't the cutest thing. "I still love you anyway, so what's that say about me?"

"That we're both idiots," Shepard answered without so much as a moment's hesitation. Then he blinked, seemed to realize what he'd said, and Kaidan had to grin at how embarassed he looked. "Not... that you're an idiot."

Kaidan stifled a laugh and shook his head. "Y'know, it's nice to watch someone else put their foot in their mouth for a change."

"It's a gift. I'm nothing if not flexible."

"Hmm." That sounded like flirting to Kaidan. "Care to, uh, test that flexibility?" He leaned back a little further against the desk, his hands pressed against the hard surface and holding most of the weight of his upper body. He tipped his head down a little as he looked up at Shepard, and raised his eyebrows with a faint smirk just to complete the look.

It had the desired effect; Shepard was struck dumb for a moment as he just sort of stared, his eyes wandering and his mouth hanging open slightly. "Uh." It was very hard for Kaidan not to laugh as he watched Shepard try to reboot his brain. "...Bed's better than the desk."

At that, Kaidan _did_ laugh, and he was still smiling as he straightened and reached out to grab the front of Shepard's hoodie to pull him in for a kiss, mumbling "c'mere" as he did.

By the end of the night, he'd forgotten that he was ever upset with Shepard to begin with.

 


	9. dream with me awhile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Project Overlord certainly left its mark on the Commander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta-ed by morphia@AO3 / morphia-writes@tumblr! <33

In the ass-end of nowhere that was the Arrae system, on a nondescript planet called Gellix, Kaidan was faced with two things he hadn't realized could happen up till that point: halfway decent (ex-)Cerberus people, and Shepard looking like he was about a half a second away from blowing an unarmed civilian's head off.

Things started out fairly well. A team of ex-Cerberus scientists, as well as the families and other civilians they'd brought with them, were being pinned down by actual Cerberus agents that wanted them dead for defecting, preferably before they took their intel to the Alliance. Among them was an old friend of Shepard's, a man named Jacob Taylor. Not a bad guy. Fellow biotic, too, as if being an old friend of Shepard's wasn't enough to make a good first impression as is.

But something _happened_ when they were scoping out the base and making sure everyone had all of their gear in order for the planned evac. There was one scientist there, standing off on his own as he organized his projects, who admittedly didn't seem like much to Kaidan. However, the instant that Shepard saw the man, he just completely _froze_ , the muscles in his jaw going all tense and tight while his eyes narrowed and his hands clenched into shaking fists.

The scientist turned, and a look of recognition - and possibly a little fear - flashed across his features before his expression shifted into a polite, unreadable smile. "Ahh, Commander Shepard." He extended a hand in greeting. "Doctor Gavin Archer, we met back at--"

"The hell are _you_ doing here?" Shepard sneered.

Behind him, Kaidan exchanged a confused look with Vega, who shook his head and shrugged; he seemed just as taken aback by the sudden shift in tone as Kaidan was.

Doctor Archer lowered his hand awkwardly, his smile disappearing in the blink of an eye. "Much the same as anyone else here, I'd imagine," he said. Calm in the face of Shepard's uncharacteristic anger. "The Illusive Man didn't take kindly to my refusal to continue my work."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. "If it hadn't backfired, you'd still be fucking _doing_ it."

"You're probably right. And I can't pretend that what I was doing was defensible, no matter how desperate these times we live in are." Something like sadness flickered across Archer's face, but Kaidan wasn't sure whether it was actual regret he saw or someone going through the motions of it because logically they knew that they should. "I'd heard that Grissom Academy was in trouble. Do you happen to know if David is all right?"

"You've _long_ since lost the right to ask me _anything_ about David," the Commander growled.

Then, Vega spoke up. "Uhh. David? You mean that bald kid back at Grissom? Last I saw, he looked okay. A little, uh, off, but the biotic kids and that hot tattooed chick were keepin' him safe--"

Shepard whipped around and cut Vega off with a hard right hook to the jaw that knocked him on his ass.

" _I didn't give you permission to speak, Lieutenant,_ " Shepard said in a low tone that was infinitely more threatening than yelling ever could be. And Kaidan was a little scared right then.

"Shepard--" he began, hesitant. Unsure.

But Shepard cut him off. "Not _now_ , Kaidan," the Commander snapped. And that? That was worrisome.

Vega was already sitting up, but he looked dazed as he rubbed at his jaw and prodded gingerly at his split lip with two gloved fingers. "Madre de Dios..." he mumbled, glancing up at the Commander with a glare. "He's just askin', Loco. Ain't like it's classified or some shit."

 _There's gotta be a reason for this,_ Kaidan thought. "Shepard, what's going on?" he asked, more firmly.

Archer was the next one to speak. "I suppose I'll be taking my leave, then. But it _is_ good to know that David is safe, at least." He started to turn to leave.

And Shepard drew his shotgun, pointing it at Archer's head.

 _What the **fuck**_.

"I shouldn't let you board those shuttles," he said. "I should leave you here to rot until Cerberus finds you. Let them teach you a fucking lesson in what it is to be a lab rat."

"You're probably correct in that assessment," Archer said, lifting his brows. "But you won't do that, will you?"

Kaidan thought Shepard would shoot Archer right there, on the spot. He didn't. His hand shook, and his biotics even sparked a little, blue light dancing over his skin and the scarred material of his armor. But he didn't shoot.

He just lowered his gun. Hand still shaking. Paused for a long moment. And then _clocked Archer in the head with his damn Claymore._

" _Shepard!_ " Kaidan's own biotics flared as he grabbed Shepard's arm before he could take another swing, fully prepared to lock the Commander in a stasis field if he had to. Shepard tried to wrench himself from Kaidan's grip, glaring at him, and Kaidan responded by starting with encasing his arm in that immobilizing field and glaring _right_ back.

A standoff. Several seconds passed, Kaidan's pulse hammering away hard enough that he was certain Shepard would be able to hear it if he were any closer; the thought of having to fight _Shepard_ , of having to restrain him, was kind of terrifying. But Kaidan would do it. He was completely capable of it, if anyone on the _Normandy_ crew was. If it came down to it, Kaidan might even be able to hold his own against Shepard in a proper brawl.

Eventually, though, Shepard relaxed, exhaling through his nose and giving Kaidan a curt nod, even though the intensity hadn't left his eyes. Kaidan loosened his grip and let his biotics power down, wrenching Shepard's gun out of his hands for good measure.

Satisfied that Shepard wouldn't be blowing any heads off or turning anyone's bones into powder with a biotics-and-cybernetics-enhanced beatdown, he turned away to go make sure that Vega's jaw wasn't broken. But it was several minutes before he gave the Commander back his Claymore.

\---

Kaidan had given Shepard his space for a while after the incident planetside. Letting him cool off seemed like the best bet, especially since he wasn't quite sure what kind of state Shepard was in mentally. Accidentally triggering a meltdown was _not_ something Kaidan wanted to do.

But eventually he'd have to talk to Shepard about this. It wasn't a matter of trust, this time. Anything that was enough to piss Shepard off that badly had to be pretty messed up. And the way Shepard had acted, Kaidan could see that it had to have messed _him_ up, too. Like somewhere along the way it had gone from being a Horrible Thing to being a Horrible Thing That Shepard Got Caught In.

That was why Kaidan was standing in Shepard's doorway, his shoulder leaned against the wall with his arms folded over his chest, as he watched Shepard tinker with a gun. The Commander hadn't so much as aknowledged him when he came in; never a good sign.

He cleared his throat. "So, uh. I've been thinking."

"You don't want to know about this one, Kaidan," Shepard said, before Kaidan could ask. He sounded so _tired_.

That tone just made Kaidan even more curious. And more worried. "I dunno, I think it's worth talking about. You kinda nearly blew a guy's head off down there, Shepard."

"So?" Shepard put down the mod he'd been tinkering with, deactivated his omni-tool, and spun his chair around so that he was facing Kaidan. He was splayed out as much as the slightly too-small chair would allow. Draped over it, almost. His eyes looked as exhausted as his voice made him sound. "I lost my cool. It happens."

"No. Not to you, Zach, not like that." Kaidan shot him a stern look, and Shepard quickly averted his eyes, a muscle in his jaw twitching. "Just, tell me what's going on. What happened between you and Gavin Archer?"

Shepard went quiet. There was a slight furrow to his brow that undermined the hardened soldier look he'd been trying to maintain since returning to the ship. His jaw shifted. He cricked his neck. And soon he sighed and picked himself up out of his chair, his feet scuffing against the floor as he shuffled into what counted as the bedroom-area of his cabin.

"C'mon. You'll wanna be sitting down for this," he said, plopping down on the end of the bed himself. Kaidan followed with a quiet nod, moving to sit across from him on the couch.

Shepard waited for him to sit. Told EDI to enable privacy mode. Took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, like he was steadying himself.

"It was called Project Overlord."

\---

This was back when we were still fighting the Collectors. You weren't there, and it didn't go on any official reports. Probably a good thing. Not sure how to put this kind of shit down on an official report.

It was me, Kasumi, and Tali. I took the girls with me because I'd heard that it was a tech thing, and I'm usually good if I take them with me for tech things. The mission looked simple on the surface. Rogue VI, takes control of the base, et cetera. Like back on Luna, remember?

Anyway. We head down to the planet in the Hammerhead - pretty planet, very green - and we're attacked by mechs. Not your standard mechs though. These are smart. Like Geth kinda smart. They hit hard and they hit mean, and they know enough strategy to try and flank us. Tali has trouble hacking them, too. Overload works fine, though, and so do bullets, so we're okay. But then the VI starts... _screaming_. Over the intercom. Heavily distorted. Staticky. But that's what it sounds like when you listen, y'know?

So yeah, that's... a nice little backdrop as we go deeper into the base. _Anyway_.

We meet Gavin Archer. And he's panicking, okay? He's just freaking out. "The VI is trying to upload itself to the extranet via the satellite network and you have to stop it _right now_ " kind of freaking out. So, okay, we have to go smash up a satellite dish. Not too hard. Plant a few charges and get the hell out. Except now there's Geth in the way, and shit, we didn't sign up for Geth. We can handle them, but it wasn't in the job description, so. Time to go have a chat with Archer again.

So Archer admits that they'd been trying to work on a way to control the Geth through the VI. Dead Geth, but still intact enough that they could get themselves working again easily enough. Yeah, I know. _Cerberus_ , okay? They're stupid. This is just another thing on a very long list of stupid things Cerberus has done or funded or whatever.

...Kaidan, them funding the "bringing me back" thing does _not_ mitigate the level of stupid they tend to operate on. _Seriously_. Besides, I haven't gotten to the worst of it yet.

Anyway, these Geth weren't the only thing that the VI took over. It also took over the entire base and all its mechs, which we've pretty much come to expect from rogue VIs at this point. But, God, if this thing could hack _Geth_ , then what the hell else could it hack? Kasumi's cloaks and shields? Tali's drones, her _suit_?

Bringing the girls is looking like less of a good idea by the minute. But at the same time, do I wanna call the Normandy down, with its quantum entanglement comm systems, just for the sake of rearranging my squad? What could this VI do with _those_? And then there's EDI, and Legion, and I just. I can't. Can't do that to them.

One thing's looking pretty damn sure. I have to shut this thing down. So I tell Archer to stay put, hop back in the Hammerhead with the girls, and we're off again. Next stop, another base that has one half of the lockdown protocol so that we can isolate this thing and kill it a little quicker.

We get to the base. More mechs, more Geth. Sure enough, Tali gets a drone turned on her and I have to smash it before it can pop her shields, since she's not expecting it. And how could she? She _built_ those things. It turns out to be a good thing that I brought Kasumi because she's better with calming Tali down after that than I am.

Besides, I'm distracted. Because by that point I'm finding out that the VI isn't a VI after all. It's a _person_. Suddenly the whole idea of it screaming through the intercom isn't so far-fetched. But it also means that Archer's a fucking liar, so I call him up on the comm.

He says he didn't want us to worry about it. Straight-up admits that it's a person. Then he also straight-up admits that the person in question is his _autistic_ _kid brother_.

...Yeah. Yeah, I know.

It is. It is _definitely_ bad. But it gets _worse_.

Trust me. It can.

Archer says, insists, that David - his brother - volunteered. But he's also still insisting at that point that David needs to be put down. Like a rabid animal. That it's the only way to stop things from snowballing any further. None of us quite believe him. Tali and Kasumi are exchanging looks behind me. But whatever David is at that point, whatever he's become, we do know that it's dangerous and killing people. People who are cruel bastards, but still people, and it doesn't seem to have any notion of innocents getting caught in crossfire. That still needs to be stopped before it can go further, so we agree to keep going.

We clear out the next base. Find _more_ skeezy shit, because of course there's more. Shit about the Geth they were experimenting on, and. Well. All of us know Legion. So none of us are particularly comfortable about what we're seeing. Although we're all _very_ glad that Legion's not actually with us on this one because he'd probably get hacked the same way that the second of Tali's drones did, and by that point David's gotten smart and he just makes the drone fly at Kasumi and self-destruct almost on top of her, which cuts through her shields and--

Y'know. Yeah. You get the point. It's a mess, and we're all a little pissed by the time we initiate the lockdown and head to the final base where the maybe-David-but-maybe-a-VI thing is, with Kasumi grumbling in the back of the Hammerhead while Tali fixes her up with medigel and a fixed-up shield emitter. We all also kinda wanna shoot Archer by that point. Tali decides to stop using her drones for the rest of the mission, Kasumi and I agree that's probably a good idea. We park the Hammerhead.

We head in, and... fffuh. Mm.

... H-heh. Shit. No. I'm, I'm okay. I'm fine.

Kaidan, I'm _fine_.

...okay, maybe. Maybe. Can-- can I sit with you?

Okay.

Yeah, that's better. Heh. Sorry.

...Do you know what percentage of me is cybernetics, Kaidan?

Joker had his legs reinforced and he's still only sitting at about twelve percent, at most. And I, uh. I'm, I'm sitting at right about four times that.

Yeah. No, you didn't know. It's okay. Do you, uh. D'you need a minute?

You're fine? You're _sure?_ ...Okay. I'll keep going then.

My point is, I spent so much time worrying about the girls that I didn't think about what this insane hacking ability could do to _me_. It... It trapped me, inside my own body. Inside my own _head_. Like sleep paralysis, except I could feel that I was moving, but it wasn't _me_ moving, it was-- ugh. Hard to explain.

Yeah, it _was_ terrifying. But while I was trapped, I saw... things. Like a VR simulation of someone else's memories. _David's_ memories.

Mmhm. The same kid. It-- I saw what Archer did. I saw _all_ of it, through David's perspective. This kid, brilliant. Trapped in his own head. I got the feeling that no one had ever helped him at all, like no one had ever taught him how to communicate. He was just an accessory. Mathematical genius, spouting equations, because his mind was constantly working. Because no one had ever taught him how to channel that intelligence. I got a glimpse inside his head and what I saw _screamed_ "wasted potential". He could've been amazing, but instead he was just glued to his brother's side while everyone assumed he was too broken to amount to anything or take care of himself--

...maybe. It's possible he projected some of that onto me. Or maybe there's some things you don't know about me.

Sorry. Not trying to scare you. This... this is about David, and about Archer.

See, David was a genius. He figured out how to understand the Geth that his brother was working with. He could even talk to them. He figured out in a few hours - peacefully - a lot of the things that it took several weeks with Legion for me to understand. But he couldn't articulate it any more than he could articulate anything else.

 _God_ , if he had been given the proper help and care growing up. Having him along would've helped us avoid a lot of bloodshed between the Quarians and the Geth, and maybe even with Sovereign. We could've taken Saren's army right out from under him, had peace talks underway with the heretic Geth without having to kill them.

Instead, his brother was hooking his head up to the Geth consensus directly and hoping that it'd stick. And guess what? _It fucking did_. All those mechs and hacked Geth attacking everything that moved was basically him screaming and clawing at the inside of his own head as the consensus flooded his brain with too much unfiltered data for any human to process directly.

So. I spent who-knows-how-long stuck in a tortured kid's personal, inescapable _hell_ , then I came out of that and back into the real world, and suddenly I was face-to-face with this same kid, this _child_ almost, who looked like he was more tubes and jacks than person. Fucking _whimpering_ over an intercom because there were even more tubes down his throat, keeping him from screaming. Tears pouring out of his eyes. I can even still remember what he said to me. "Quiet. Please. Make it stop."

Archer tried to explain himself. "It all seemed harmless," he said. Talked about the pressure he'd been under. Said he'd never meant to hurt David. _Fuck_. There aren't enough words for how much I wanted to smash that son of a bitch until he was a pretty red smear on the goddamn floor.

I told that bastard that if he ever went near his brother again, I'd shoot him. I shouldn't have hesitated. I should've fucking shot him right then. For David, and every person who'd died because of Archer's dumbfuck little experiment.

The last thing David said over the intercom before he was unhooked, was "it all seemed harmless."

... Yeah. I know.

We really _should've_ let Cerberus have their way with the bastard, huh?

 


	10. bring the warmth the countryside needs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A welcome distraction from what the war has cost them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was cranked out surprisingly quickly last night, and then dear morphia@AO3 / morphia-writes@tumblr was kind enough to beta it for me just as quickly. 8D She's lovely.

Thessia.

_Thessia_.

Kaidan almost wished Shepard hadn't brought him. _Almost_. It was like Earth all over again. Like watching the Reapers tear through Vancouver. Except, this time. _This time_. It was the strain of having to watch Liara go through it. The weight of knowing that people had given their lives to help Shepard, Kaidan, and Liara reach a goal that had ended up pointless.

The burden of an absolute, irredeemable _loss_.

Kaidan felt like one great big walking bruise. He couldn't imagine Shepard felt much better. He was lucky he hadn't broken anything. And Shepard was lucky he hadn't fallen into a gaping chasm and died. But really, what were a few more bruises? They were used to those. Bruises were _nothing_. Losing a planet? Now _that_ hurt.

It had been a tense shuttle ride back to the _Normandy_. Liara was barely holding back tears, Kaidan was quietly seething, Cortez didn't even bother trying to lighten up the mood with any humor, and Shepard was staring wordlessly at a bulkhead, his neck and jaw having gone tense in that way they tended to when he was holding something in.

When they got to the ship, Liara retreated to her room. Cortez buried himself in repairs to the Kodiak. Shepard practically threw his guns at the repair station for Vega to deal with before he silently headed up the elevator.

And Kaidan? Kaidan went back up to the obs lounge, peeled off his armor, took a shower, and _may_ have biotic-punched a dent in a wall while he was there. Shattered the cheap tile, bloodied his knuckles. Had to go to Chakwas after that for some medigel. Whups.

Yeah, maybe he needed to cool down a little.

He decided to head down to engineering. Talked to Adams a bit, along with Donnelly and Daniels. It helped. They talked about the SR2 and its specs, and how it compared to the SR1. They talked about the old days.

And then Donnelly asked if the SR1 had been crewed with as many beautiful women as the SR2 was, bringing up EDI, Liara, Tali, Samara, and a few names that Kaidan didn't know. Kaidan noted that the SR1 was a smaller ship with a smaller crew.

"Quality, not quantity, Donnelly," Kaidan said, leaning against the railing. "Liara and Tali were on the SR1 _and_ the SR2, so they don't count. If we're going by people exclusively on one ship or the other, I'd say Chief Williams probably takes the proverbial cake. Or, would've, at least."

"Even against Miss Lawson?" Donnelly said.

"I don't know this Miss Lawson," Kaidan replied. "But I'd still put my money on Ash."

Adams snorted and shook his head. "She'd deck both of you if she heard you talking like this."

"And that's part of why I'd take her over most of the crew of the SR2." Kaidan paused briefly. "...With the possible exception of Samara. Because, _damn_."

Daniels made a disgusted noise. Her nose did this little crinkling thing when she was annoyed, particularly at Donnelly. It was cute. "Do men always have to be so crude?"

Kaidan smiled at her. "Sorry, Miss Daniels. Didn't mean to exclude you. If it'd make you feel better, we could compare the men of the two crews."

It was Donnelly's turn to look vaguely grossed out, while Adams just shook his head again. Daniels perked up, though, clearly ecstatic about getting to make her partner uncomfortable. "I dunno, I think Lieutenant Vega kinda makes that one unfair."

"Actually, yeah. Probably right about that." Vega was... _Well_. If Kaidan were unattatched, he could probably be tempted. But then, the same could be said of Tali or Liara. "SR2's got him, Cortez. That uh, that Jacob Taylor, he's not bad either."

"And Thane," Daniels pointed out. "And that merc, Zaeed."

Donnelly groaned. "I can't believe I'm hearing this."

"You started it," Daniels said cheerily.

That was when Shepard came in. Or, well, shuffled in. His boots were scuffing along the floor as he walked, his hoodie was lopsided. Kaidan watched him as he made his way over to a console at the Major's side, leaned back against it, and half-flopped some of the weight of his upper body against Kaidan's side.

"...Hey," Kaidan said, softly.

Shepard didn't look up. "Hey," the Commander mumbled back.

Kaidan frowned slightly. He nudged Shepard gently with his elbow, without unfolding his arms. "You okay?"

"I'll be fine," Shepard assured him. Kaidan figured Shepard would probably need to be held for a while before he'd _actually_ be fine, though.

But not just yet. They had an audience.

"Aaaawww," Daniels cooed. "You two are cute."

"I'm missing something here," Donnelly said, perplexed.

Adams was the only one to act like it was nothing surprising. "Hey, Commander. What brings you down here?"

Shepard straightened, glanced at Donnelly and Daniels, and suddenly it seemed like he'd gotten an _idea_ \- one of those impossible-to-predict Shepard ideas, which at least meant he was distracted from thoughts of what happened on Thessia - as he smirked and stretched his long arms high over his head. Then it became apparent just what that idea was when he draped one of those arms around Kaidan's shoulders, tugging the Major close.

"No real reason," Shepard said after he'd settled into his new position, shrugging lightly. Kaidan had to grin a little, suppressing the urge to laugh.

"Uh-huh..." Adams was giving them both a very bland look. Donnelly looked positively _mortified_ , and Daniels seemed like it was taking every ounce of self-control she had just to keep herself from squealing.

Shepard continued as if he weren't cuddling Kaidan in front of everyone. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"We were just talking about the, uh, differences between the SR1 and the SR2," Kaidan said. "Boring tech stuff, specs. Y'know. Nothing you'd be interested in."

"And the crews," Daniels added helpfully.

"...and the crew, yeah," Kaidan agreed after Shepard gave him a questioning look.

"What about the crew?" Shepard asked.

Donnelly pointed at Kaidan. "The Major here seems to think that the SR1 had much lovelier women."

Shepard gave Kaidan a little bit of a smirk. " _Really_."

"Whaaaat, c'mon." Kaidan shrugged, scooting away from Shepard a bit. "The only one who could give Ash a run for her money is Samara. _Maybe_."

"The SR2 had Jack, though. And now it has Samantha." Shepard said. "Not to mention Miranda, and Kelly, and Gabby here."

Daniels blushed a little. Then she turned to Donnelly and gave him an accusing look. "Why can't _you_ rank me among the SR2's beautiful women?"

"Because you're _different_ ," Donnelly said with a pout.

"And then there's Kasumi, whom I _definitely_ have not forgotten," Shepard added.

His tone spoke of something a little more than admiration on an aesthetic level; Kaidan turned to him and raised an eyebrow. "Kasumi?"

"If you'd met her, you wouldn't blame me one bit," Shepard said a tiny bit defensively.

Maybe. Kaidan wasn't too jealous, though; he might have a lot of nagging insecurities, but he didn't have much in the way of doubts about Shepard's feelings. "I haven't met _half_ of these women you're talking about, so I dunno. I _will_ say that the SR2 has better men, though."

Donnelly sighed. "Here we go."

Shepard just grinned at Donnelly's discomfort. "Does this mean I have to watch out for James?" he asked, leaning in to nuzzle the Major's temple.

"Hah. Probably not." Kaidan smiled. "Vega can't really compete against the savior of the Citadel." He unfolded his arms, lifted a hand to trace the lines of Shepard's jaw with his fingers. At that distance, he could easily see the criscrossing lines in Shepard's skin from his cybernetics and grafts acting up. Probably stress. They led to extra creases in his face, made him look older.

Adams cleared his throat, and Shepard jerked back with a sudden "huhyes?" that made Kaidan snort. Daniels stifled a giggle, and Donnelly sighed, turning away to rub at his eyes and shake his head.

Audience. _Right_. Comforting and post-Thessia cooldown cuddles to alleviate stress would have to wait.

 


	11. they've got time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two nerds and a jock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Splitting Sanctuary into two chapters. Yeah. This'll be fun.

"Y'know, you've been leaning on me and Vega pretty hard lately," Kaidan remarked as he helped Shepard with his hardsuit, down in the armory on one of Vega's workbenches while the Lieutenant himself was showering; it wasn't something that either of them needed help with, necessarily, but he'd volunteered, and Shepard hadn't protested. It would be a red flag that something was off if it weren't for the fact that _everyone_ was a little bit off lately.

They were all tired, and they all needed a break. Out of the frying pan that was Thessia, and into the proverbial fire that was Sanctuary. On _Horizon_. Shepard had been very quiet ever since Traynor had run that trace to find their next destination, and even Kaidan had barely been able to get anything out of him.

The few moments Kaidan had alone with him were no exception. Shepard's initial response was a sigh, and it wasn't hard for Kaidan to picture the Commander's expression as he fastened up the newest set of biotics-enhancing armor Shepard had procured; the dark circles under his half-lidded eyes, thin lips pressed tightly together, brow furrowed, jaw tense. Along with scars that got worse by the day, his pale skin splitting in places, it made for an intimidating look. Like a mask.

Joker had told Kaidan that Shepard had been about ready to take a swing at him, just prior to when Shepard had come down to see Kaidan on the Engineering deck. He'd said that Shepard's suit monitors were registering the Commander as being under more stress than he had been under on Akuze.

Everyone was reaching their limits, but Kaidan's biggest worry was that Shepard would be the first one to snap.

"Want me to stop?" Shepard finally said, his voice rougher than usual. "Leaning on you two, I mean."

Kaidan shook his head, even though Shepard didn't turn to see it. "No," he replied. "At least, not with me. Frankly, it's easier to make sure you're safe when I'm with you." He stretched a little to kiss the back of Shepard's neck, just above his amp port. "And I do trust Vega. Sometimes. When he's not being an idiot."

Shepard chuckled softly. "Kinda like me."

"Well, kinda. Not my point, though." Kaidan picked up Shepard's utility belt, and pulled it around the Commander's waist, his arms winding around Shepard's torso in the process of fastening it. "You've got Tali, and Liara, and Garrus. EDI, too. Even Javik if you wanted."

"So you're saying, why just you two?" He could hear the faint smile in the tone of Shepard's voice, a ghost of something much brighter.

Kaidan smiled a little himself. "Somethin' like that."

Shepard seemed to think on that for a minute before he spoke again. "Garrus is waiting on word every day from Palaven, when he isn't corresponding with the Primarch," he began. "Tali's an admiral, and she's coordinating the fleets and the efforts to rebuild Rannoch, when she isn't acting as an intermediary to help smooth over any rough patches between her people and the Geth, since there's still some hard feelings there on the part of the Quarians.

"Liara... she just lost her home. I can't trust her to keep her head in a firefight, even though I know this is personal for her now and she'd be more than willing. Maybe once she's had a little time, once she's cooled off, I'll bring her again. Besides, her Shadow Broker work keeps her busy, and it's important enough that I'm okay with leaving her to it, while not being so vital that I worry she'll screw it up. Then EDI, well, Joker would kill me if I got her shiny new hot robot body smashed all to hell."

Kaidan nodded slowly. "What about Javik? He seemed pretty capable back on Eden Prime. Knocked you on your ass."

"I don't trust him," Shepard said simply. "Too much of an unknown. Also a walking political incident."

"Huh. Yeah, I can see why." Kaidan pulled away enough to do a final check of Shepard's gear, making sure all the new pieces of armor were strapped on correctly. As he did, Shepard sat up a little straighter and craned his neck to glance back, brow furrowed.

"...You don't have to come with me to Horizon if you don't want to," he said. God, it sounded so _miserable_ though. Like Shepard was admitting that he _did_ want Kaidan with him, but it was more important to him that Kaidan would be okay with it. Because that was how he worked; he always gave people a way out. Always let them have the _choice_ , especially when he thought his own preference on the matter was selfish.

So Kaidan let out a little sigh, wrapped his arms around Shepard from behind once again, and tugged him as close as both of their hardsuits would allow. "Like hell I'm leaving you on your own for this." Not again, not _ever_.

Horizon would not get Kaidan to leave Shepard behind a second time.

\---

Comms were jammed, Cerberus was sending out its usual mook army, and Vega looked like he was about to _cheer_ as he blasted a Cerberus Phantom's head clean off with his plasma shotgun.

"Ha- _hah!_ I tell you what, Commander, I am _definitely_ likin' these new guns Sparks got us!" came the shout from across the once-pretty courtyard. "You'll have'ta thank her for me."

"Thank her yourself, James," Shepard answered, after he was finished biotic-punching his way clean through another Cerberus mook's riot shield.

Vega grinned as he chucked a grenade at a sniper up on a balcony, then hid behind a smashed-up decorative planter. "Nah, I'll just end up forgettin' about it. This way, worst case scenario, she gets thanked twice."

Meanwhile, Kaidan was a bit busy trying to manage the particle rifle Shepard had handed him when their loadouts were being decided. A good gun, particularly with his shitty aim; he was guranteed to hit _something_ with it. All he had to do was aim in the general direction of targets that Shepard wasn't busy pummeling to death.

Overall, the first five minutes of their time on the ground had done little more than make their mission look relatively straightforward, but Kaidan definitely wasn't trusting it to stay that way.

Sure enough, a Cerberus shuttle sped past them overhead, with an echoing _whoom_ that was felt as much as it was heard as it broke the sound barrier. Kaidan narrowed his eyes at it.

"Looks like they're evacuating," he said, raising his voice enough to be heard over the last rounds of their skirmish.

Shepard finished off another Cerberus Nemesis with a point-blank blast from his own plasma shotgun (an experiment on his part; the Claymore had started wearing at even _his_ reinforced, cybernetic wrists) before he turned to peer upward, squinting against the sunlight. Then a Harvester sped past after the shuttle, its massive wings pounding at the air, and the mission started looking a lot less _routine_.

"Harvester!" Vega shouted over the noise.

"I can see that, James!" Shepard called back. "But why's it chasing a Cerberus shuttle!"

Kaidan had to smirk to himself a little. "Looks like Cerberus finally managed to piss the Reapers off."

"Yeah, but _how_? Last I looked, they were on the same side." Shepard didn't seem pleased with the thought of not knowing. To be honest, neither was Kaidan, but he wasn't about to lose any sleep over the thought of Cerberus and the Reapers killing each other.

Either way, they weren't leaving without having found either Kai Leng or a lead on how to get to his boss. "Guess we'll find out when we go inside," Kaidan said, half to himself.

They kept moving, through the once-sterile and austere courtyards and pathways that had become littered with debris - through scenery that would have been idyllic had it not been smashed to bits in places - and towards the main complex.

\---

Every log they found inside the complex's main lobby made Sanctuary sound more dystopian. If it wasn't talking about people disappearing, it was talking about how some guy at the desk just needed to do a little more time before he'd be processed too, like it was a good thing. Or it was somebody saying they couldn't wait to get in because it all looked so pretty and friendly, so much moreso than the warzones that everyone who went there had left behind.

Not that it was all that pretty anymore. With all the bodies strewn about the place - Cerberus _and_ Reaper forces - and battle damage and crashed shuttles, Sanctuary was looking like a warzone, too.

"I'm getting a distinct _Soylent Green_ vibe from this place," Shepard muttered, poking at yet another abandoned laptop with his omni-tool.

Kaidan chuckled. "I was thinking more along the lines of _1984_ , myself."

"Any minute now, some guy straight out of the twentieth century is gonna come charging out those locked-up doors, screaming 'It's a cookbook! _It's a goddamn cookbook!_ ' "

"I think you're mixing up your antique science fiction vids there, Zach."

"I dunno, I can think of about _eight_ dystopian flicks that'd fit at this point."

Vega looked between the two of them with a slightly confused frown. "The hell are you two nerds talking about?"

Shepard and Kaidan shared a glance with one another, and Shepard's amused expression was enough to make Kaidan snicker and shake his head.

"Old lit made by dead people," Shepard answered.

"And vids made without computers," Kaidan added.

Vega's face screwed up like someone had just stuck a smelly boot under his nose. " _What_? That's some fuckin' _stone age_ shit, man."

Shepard sighed melodramatically. "Kids these days just don't appreciate the classics, huh, Kaidan?"

"I _know_. So caught up in the latest Blasto flick that they don't take the time to learn about the legacy of great films behind it." Kaidan clicked his tongue disapprovingly. "I'm almost disappointed in you, Vega."

"Yeah, yeah. You two pendejos go ahead and have your laughs. Just don't come cryin' t'me when you can't figure out how to work your new-fangled omni-tool things like the old geezers you are."

Kaidan laughed, and so did Shepard. Vega was even smirking as he said it. Yeah, bringing him had probably been for the best. Everyone else would probably be a little too serious and tense under the current circumstances.

Hah. Joking around because the situation around them was almost too horrific to grasp, laughing to mask the sick feeling of dread... Kaidan knew what Shepard was doing, where he was going with their banter. It was good of him to try to keep things from getting too dark and morbid, even if the attempt wasn't totally successful. Besides, Kaidan had a sneaking suspicion that Shepard wasn't doing it totally out of altruism; it was likely that the Commander was trying to distract _himself_ as much as Kaidan and Vega.

Now, they were still soldiers. And being soldiers in a hot zone, their training didn't allow their thoughts to wander too far away from their guns, grenades, and biotics. So when more Cerberus assault troops rounded a corner and attempt to ambush them, Kaidan disabled one of the more distant ones with a reave, and Shepard charged in, and Vega was already in a position to flank them and pepper them with shotgun fire to herd them into range for a cryo blast followed by a biotic energy nova. Standard procedure. The three of them'd had plenty of time to learn each others' styles, and they moved together like cogs in a machine.

The point of the joking around was not to gum up that proverbial machine. It was to keep it greased enough that the cogs didn't start hitting each other, throwing out sparks, and getting knocked out of whack.

"Hey, Kaidan?"

"Yeah, Shepard?"

Shepard grinned like a kid divulging some bit of secret information. "Soylent green is _people_."

Kaidan gave a little snort as he tried and failed to stifle a laugh. What a nerd.

 


End file.
